So now I’m nursing an ear of mine… I don’t think it’s anything but some ear wax build-up. But it shifted or something and I had some trouble hearing as clearly. My first attempts to clean it out ended up only making it worse. So earlier today I stopped by the Harvey’s and got some ear drops designed to get rid of wax. The bottle says that I can use it two times a day for four days. I didn’t notice too much of a change after the first application, but a little bit after the second. My ear doesn’t hurt and I can hear a decent amount out of it, but it bothers me so much! I know that there are far more important things in the world to be concerned about, but for me, in this minute, the fact that my ear feels stopped up and a little deaf… is the most important thing to me.
I’ll find something else to complain about when my ear is up to par.
So, we didn’t have a sectional in band. That was glorious, but David Keith, the graduate assistant who does a lot of the conducting, have a lot of negative things to say about the flutes’ runs, kept complaining when we were not playing the lowest notes of our range, in the beginning of a fast 16th-note run, loud enough. Nevermind that we got all the notes played! Nevermind that those notes are ridiculously low! I hate him. He has never earned my respect and is not likely to anytime soon. He falls into about the same category as Lauren, actually.
I got my Oral Presentation for Syntax moved to Tuesday… the same day that I have to turn in my Assessment Paper in Psychology of Aging. Ah well, at least I didn’t have to do it today.
I can’t wait until all this is over. First thing I’m going to do is clean. Days on end I will clean! I will not stop until my house is organized, tidy, and sanitized. Then I will play video games! I have a lot of games that are just collecting dust. I still need to finish FFVII. I know, I know, it’s ancient, I’m a loser for not getting through it. Shut up. I also have several new games that I want to play, but don’t want to start because I know I will play then and not finish my school work. I also need to buy a new Dance Pad so that I can play DDR when summer comes. I *heart* DDR! The best exercise out there!
After I get done cracking out on games for a week. I have to start tackling my résumé. I have no idea how to go about it. So if anyone out there knows, please tell me. Then I’ll start sending it out places. Mom told me that summer would be a good time to do it, since I won’t have classes and since I have a month until I leave for London. I have to agree, but I don’t know how to look for a place and I really want a good job. I’ve put in my time on the Fast Food scene. I want a job that I can enjoy, not dread each day. I want it to pay well, since I didn’t go all the way through college for my health. And I want it to have some options. I want to be able to travel and/or branch out if I outgrow my first station. The problem is, I’m so disillusioned with companies lately that nothing seems very appealing, and I have to admit, I know very little myself. Most of my knowledge is stored in a form of collective intelligence with my best friends. I’m not in contact with some of the biggest hubs of people that I have invested in. It’s like having all of your experiences for five years totally erased from your memory. I have to start all over. Instead of just saying, “What do you think of this?” and weighing the answer based on who is speaking and what their experiences have been, I have to go research everything again.
Not that I have any trouble with researching. It’s wonderful and should be used, but it frustrating to have to re-research something that I thought was already learned.
I don’t know what job I want. I’m so tired of thinking, so tired of figuring, so tired of wondering about questions that I haven’t even formed yet that I just want to give up. But, I tell myself, the only thing that’s going to happen if I give up is I’m going to die, cold, alone, in a gutter, starving. I don’t want that so I have to keep going. But the problem is I feel forced. I don’t feel like anything is my choice anymore. People may yell, “Take control of your life! Bend it to your will!” but that’s harder to do than it sounds. Something’s shoving me down the path before I even decided to take the journey, but it’s not a path I want to go down.
I’m starting to question my goals. Why did I come here? What did I want to achieve? Have I ever had a plan? I’ve just been schooling for years, school after school after school, but now what. I really don’t want to go to graduate school. First off, I have no money. I’ll be lucky to have ANY money left by the time I get done. And I’ve seen all the papers and researching the graduate students have to do, I want no part of that. I want to go to the real world, though it might be scary. But what am I good at, really and truly. My grades have not been stellar as of late and I feel like all the information that I’m stuffing into my head is seeping out twice as fast. How am I suppose to remember this later when I can’t remember it the next day. I’m not proud of my work ethic. Lately it’s been crap. I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job of my stuff. And to answer the previous question, I know I can do some things, but they are not at all job related (or I would never make them such). I am a fair artist, if you only consider adapted manga/anime styles. I can write, sometimes, I’ve never succeeded yet in getting exactly what I want down. I suck at computers, everyone knows that. I make friends slowly and prefer to do my work by myself instead of in groups. I have a strong tendency to be antisocial.
That’s what bothers me about the resume! How can I ever expect someone else to see potential in me if I can’t see it? How do I convince a bunch of random people in random positions of business power that I have any potential at all?
“Oh, this says that she’s a hard worker. Those are a dime a dozen.”
Now, not all of them actually are hard workers, but they won’t know that I’m telling the truth.
I really just want to be happy again. I want to do something that makes me happy.
I’m in a miserable state right now…
