Insomniac Hamsters and Music-Axing Galore

So today started out early. I stayed up until 2:30 this morning to finish an Assessment paper for my Psychology of Aging class. I couldn’t manage to stay up all night, so I went to bed and awoke at 6:30 to finish the paper. It was way way too early for me. But… I got it done. I went to school early to print it out and turned it in with no hassle. I am very relieved that it’s done. Hopefully, I made a high enough grade on my last test. If this paper makes a good grade too, all I have to do is do two extra credit assignments (to raise the grade 10 points) and I can exempt the Final Exam! If the grade is not high enough, I may have to take the Final Exam, it can only help me. But I want an A in this class. If I don’t have a high enough test grade, I’ll have to take the Final to replace the lowest one. I don’t want to have to, obviously. Who wants to take a big ass test when they don’t have to?

After that, I went home to work on my Oral Presentation for Syntax. I had to come up with a handout for the class answering some questions about my topic. So I skipped Astronomy (we didn’t have a quiz today and hopefully we didn’t have a writing assignment. If we did have to do a writing, then it’s okay because I haven’t missed any yet, missing one won’t hurt me… especially since I’ve made an A on every test thus far!).

Okay, so back at my house. I just couldn’t get myself started on the stupid handout. I think it was because I had been sitting in that computer chair for hours on end. I ate lunch and wandered around, trying not to look at my desk. While I was in my room, I heard rustling and Momoko, my tawny hamster, was up. This is odd because hamsters are nocturnal and it was 12:30 pm. He made his way out of the wheel filled with shavings (where he sleeps) to the water bottle. Took a drink and crawled back in the wheel and went to sleep again. This may not seem odd for humans, we often wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty. But I’ve never in my life seen an animal do it. What made it more awesome was that he was so purposeful. He didn’t stop by his food bowl. He didn’t stop to chew on the bars. He just went right to the  water, drank a spell, and went straight back.  I was just very taken with this.

Well, I managed to get my handouts done. I took them to class and did my presentation, decent… yet sucky. I’m a terrible public speaker, especially when the class has been bored stupid with presentations. But it’s alright because it’s nigh on impossible to fail the Oral Presentation as long as you do something for it. It’s graded on a Pass/Fail basis.

Then I had to come home again to get my Flute and music. As I left for band I prayed that songs would not be cut from out Concert program. One song in particular, Inferno by Robert W. Smith, was quite a bit rough. We had had sectionals to work on it, section leaders had begged people to practice it, but it wasn’t shaping up. I loved Inferno. I’ve wanted to play it since the first time I heard it in high school. I never had the opportunity before. I was so excited that I could play it for Mom when she came down to see my concert.

They axed it.

Bam! Gone off the program. Everyone in the band seemed to want it gone. When David Keith (graduate assistant) asked who wanted to keep it… I was the ONLY SOUL who raised my hand. I felt stupid for being the only one and everyone stared at me like I was some sort of fool for holding on to it, but I had practiced hard on that piece, more so than I had for any other. And I said so to. I said that I had invested a lot of time and effort into that piece. Deep inside, I guess I knew it had to be scrapped, it wasn’t working out, because I was the only one really working at it. And one person doesn’t make a band. I’m sad because I’ll probably never be able to play music like this ever in my life again. I’m not going into any incarnation of  professional music. My only chance is if I find a decent community band. I really wanted to play that song! 

So now I’m home again, beat, exhausted, frustrated, and needing to get busy. Tomorrow I have Physiological Psychology at 10 with a quiz and a test coming up this Friday. I also have Everyday Creative Writing where I have to turn in two Children’s Books that I’m writing (actually everyone in our class is doing one) to send to to the children in Uganda. I also have to write and turn in my creative non-fiction essay and a response to an art exhibit that I never managed to attend.

Thursday I have Psychology of Aging where I have to do, yet another, presentation on my service work at the retirement home and about my assessment paper. It has to be a power point… *groan* Then it is on to lunch and to Astronomy where I have a quiz over a chapter… that I need to read. And Syntax, where I can listen to lots of other people do presentations and where my Syntax Capstone is the next thing due.

The only class on Friday for me is Phys Psyc and my last test before the Final Exam.

Boiling over on the back-burner is my Honors Paper for Psychology of Religion that I was supposed to finish and turn in LAST SUMMER just for completeness sake, since my professor had already checked off on the Honors Credit for the course (even though the paper I had given her was lamentably lame). I was trying to get it done during the semester, but it never happened. I’ve been so freakishly busy that I never had time to even look at it. Also on the back-burner is my Honors Capstone Project that must be completed and presented before my Graduation. The time is sneaking up on me and I am still no closer to knowing what I’m going to do with it. In this situation, I really wish Paul had done one, so I could have some sort of model. Also back-burnering is my resume, which needs to be created and sent out to companies so they can decide if I will suffice as an employee.

I can’t wait until the semester is over, but then that means that I’m that much closer to having to turn the other stuff in and… Graduation.

ramblings… gets emotional, read at your own risk.

So now I’m nursing an ear of mine… I don’t think it’s anything but some ear wax build-up. But it shifted or something and I had some trouble hearing as clearly. My first attempts to clean it out ended up only making it worse. So earlier today I stopped by the Harvey’s and got some ear drops designed to get rid of wax. The bottle says that I can use it two times a day for four days. I didn’t notice too much of a change after the first application, but a little bit after the second. My ear doesn’t hurt and I can hear a decent amount out of it, but it bothers me so much! I know that there are far more important things in the world to be concerned about, but for me, in this minute, the fact that my ear feels stopped up and a little deaf… is the most important thing to me.

I’ll find something else to complain about when my ear is up to par.

So, we didn’t have a sectional in band. That was glorious, but David Keith, the graduate assistant who does a lot of the conducting, have a lot of negative things to say about the flutes’ runs, kept complaining when we were not playing the lowest notes of our range, in the beginning of a fast 16th-note run, loud enough. Nevermind that we got all the notes played! Nevermind that those notes are ridiculously low! I hate him. He has never earned my respect and is not likely to anytime soon. He falls into about the same category as Lauren, actually.

I got my Oral Presentation for Syntax moved to Tuesday… the same day that I have to turn in my Assessment Paper in Psychology of Aging. Ah well, at least I didn’t have to do it today.

I can’t wait until all this is over. First thing I’m going to do is clean. Days on end I will clean! I will not stop until my house is organized, tidy, and sanitized. Then I will play video games! I have a lot of games that are just collecting dust. I still need to finish FFVII. I know, I know, it’s ancient, I’m a loser for not getting through it. Shut up. I also have several new games that I want to play, but don’t want to start because I know I will play then and not finish my school work. I also need to buy a new Dance Pad so that I can play DDR when summer comes. I *heart* DDR! The best exercise out there!

After I get done cracking out on games for a week. I have to start tackling my résumé. I have no idea how to go about it. So if anyone out there knows, please tell me. Then I’ll start sending it out places. Mom told me that summer would be a good time to do it, since I won’t have classes and since I have a month until I leave for London. I have to agree, but I don’t know how to look for a place and I really want a good job. I’ve put in my time on the Fast Food scene. I want a job that I can enjoy, not dread each day. I want it to pay well, since I didn’t go all the way through college for my health. And I want it to have some options. I want to be able to travel and/or branch out if I outgrow my first station. The problem is, I’m so disillusioned with companies lately that nothing seems very appealing, and I have to admit, I know very little myself. Most of my knowledge is stored in a form of collective intelligence with my best friends. I’m not in contact with some of the biggest hubs of people that I have invested in. It’s like having all of your experiences for five years totally erased from your memory. I have to start all over. Instead of just saying, “What do you think of this?” and weighing the answer based on who is speaking and what their experiences have been, I have to go research everything again.

Not that I have any trouble with researching. It’s wonderful and should be used, but it frustrating to have to re-research something that I thought was already learned.

I don’t know what job I want. I’m so tired of thinking, so tired of figuring, so tired of wondering about questions that I haven’t even formed yet that I just want to give up. But, I tell myself, the only thing that’s going to happen if I give up is I’m going to die, cold, alone, in a gutter, starving. I don’t want that so I have to keep going. But the problem is I feel forced. I don’t feel like anything is my choice anymore. People may yell, “Take control of your life! Bend it to your will!” but that’s harder to do than it sounds. Something’s shoving me down the path before I even decided to take the journey, but it’s not a path I want to go down.

I’m starting to question my goals. Why did I come here? What did I want to achieve? Have I ever had a plan? I’ve just been schooling for years, school after school after school, but now what. I really don’t want to go to graduate school. First off, I have no money. I’ll be lucky to have ANY money left by the time I get done. And I’ve seen all the papers and researching the graduate students have to do, I want no part of that. I want to go to the real world, though it might be scary. But what am I good at, really and truly. My grades have not been stellar as of late and I feel like all the information that I’m stuffing into my head is seeping out twice as fast. How am I suppose to remember this later when I can’t remember it the next day. I’m not proud of my work ethic. Lately it’s been crap. I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job of my stuff. And to answer the previous question, I know I can do some things, but they are not at all job related (or I would never make them such). I am a fair artist, if you only consider adapted manga/anime styles. I can write, sometimes, I’ve never succeeded yet in getting exactly what I want down. I suck at computers, everyone knows that. I make friends slowly and prefer to do my work by myself instead of in groups. I have a strong tendency to be antisocial.

That’s what bothers me about the resume! How can I ever expect someone else to see potential in me if I can’t see it? How do I convince a bunch of random people in random positions of business power that I have any potential at all?

“Oh, this says that she’s a hard worker. Those are a dime a dozen.”

Now, not all of them actually are hard workers, but they won’t know that I’m telling the truth.

I really just want to be happy again. I want to do something that makes me happy.

I’m in a miserable state right now…

I’m not going to say it, because I know it CAN get worse…

My day started with me awaking to a cat flying across my face, slicing open my cheek and cutting a gash right under my eye. After administering what first aid I could, I seized Vincent, more than likely the one who was flying around, since he’s the most spastic one, and started clipping down his claws. This earned me four scratches for every claw. And I only got the left front paw done amid the hissing and spitting.

I have a major something due in every class tomorrow: the last test in my Psychology of Aging (that I must do well on), a quiz in Astronomy (not too worried about it),  an Oral Presentation in Syntax (dreading it), and  a review in band to make sure we’ve been practicing enough to preform the music without “embarrassing ourselves” with a possible flute sectional afterward with my favorite fellow flutist, Lauren. Oh joy. Be still my ever-beating heart.

I have two major assignments due in Everyday Creative Writing that are still not done. I should, perhaps, be working on them now, but I can’t think of what to write, or how to finish what I’ve started. Of these, one was due a week ago at least. That’s the one I have started, but not finished. The other is due today with enough copies for the class to have, to read over and give comments.

I’m not going to Anime Crew tonight because I don’t feel like being in a big knot of fellow group members. So I made a date with my friend, Meghan to go to the movies tonight. We’re going to see Meet the Robinson’s in 3D. She wanted to see it, and I need a stress-reliever. I’d rather take a theater of strangers than a small classroom of club people.

I’ve been so upset recently. It doesn’t take much to send me over the edge lately. I’m so stressed my shoulders are living up next to my ears and I’m liable to yell or cry at sudden changes in daily life. Like my cats broke my only casserole dish the other day and I lost it. You would have thought that the casserole dish belonged to God himself.

My house is a wreak and I hate it. I have stuff to clean, junk to file and put away, and general chaos to contain. Yet I have no time. It makes me feel bad because I know that if someone I knew saw my house, he’d never speak to me again, especially since he just published a blog taking about messy houses…

And the best part, I just got a call from my credit card company about some fraudulent activity on my credit card. They didn’t charge anything, but my number was used at a Rite-Aid in Maine and it looked suspicious, so they called me. Since I have never been to Maine, nor know anyone in Maine and have never used my credit card in a drug store before and never go to drug stores anyway… they cancelled my number and are sending me a new card. I really didn’t need this now. Though it’s better than this happening right as I went off to London, like what happened to my debit card when I went to Italy. Still, it worries me. But no transactions were made on the card and I haven’t seen any strange activity before that. But I liked that number. I had it memorized. It was fun to say, as bizarre as that sounds.

I feel so alone now. Not trying to be all emo about it, but I feel like everyone’s left me. I know there are reasons. Anne and Ariel are busy with school and their lives, Paul is… busy, I’m assuming. Mom just stresses me out whenever I talk to her. She reminds me of more things that I need to do even when I tell her I’ve got enough on my plate as is. Apparently it’s easier to get things done when you aren’t the one doing them.  I haven’t borrowed any money from my school savings, except for the London trip, because I don’t want to use it all up before I leave college. I never took out a loan as I had promised myself I would, because Mom and John’s relationship is getting dangerously shaky and is likely to end in divorce in no time. Since I’m finacially relying so heavily on Mom, I can’t ask her to pay off loan money.

And I have no idea what to do about my cats! When I’m in London, they’ll need taking care of, but there is no one down here anymore, neither Paul nor Manda. But it’s too late to back out of the London study-abroad now…

Fin.