I just have such a hard time being happy, lately. I am frustrated, angry, defensive, depressed, not just sad, and utterly miserable. And the worst part about this is I don’t have any clue why. I’ll be upset about something and I’ll think that that is the cause, but then something else comes along and I think, “No, that’s why I’m gloomy.” I feel like I’m being weighted down by something and all I want to do is laugh and smile again. I have such a terrible self-image right now. There’s nothing about me that seems alright. I’m gaining weight instead of losing it. I’m working out and eating better and staying active, but it’s just not doing any good. Because I’m easily angered now and defensive about stupid shit, my best friend no longer wanted to talk to me. Which, of course made me feel worse. I feel like I can’t even control it anymore, like depression is oozing out of my pores.
Right now, I’m just trying anything to relieve it. Sometimes writing about it helps, so that’s why this is here. It also seems like the world is trying to explode. There seems to be so much corruption that I can barely breathe. I used to not care. As long as that stuff didn’t effect me directly… I’d leave it alone. But since I came to college, I’ve started being more outspoken and active about things that I think are not right or unfair. Much of this change was inspired by my friend that I upset. I was impressed by his eagerness and drive. I do enjoy being active as compared to the alternative, apathetic me. But the problem, I think, is I can’t turn it off. If a whole bunch or people and/or organizations decide to be morons and engage a bunch of stupid shit, I care about it all. I want to change it all. And if I don’t, I feel guilty for not trying. Hell, I can’t even keep up with the news about said organizations. No matter how much I read and try to find and verify sources and stuff, I’m always behind. Of course, that makes me feel bad too, because me activist friend has been informed for days now and I have absolutely no new information.
I’m already falling behind in my classes. I have a test today in Psychology of Religion and I haven’t even cracked the book. That is the same class that I Honors contracted so that one day… when I’m like eighty or something, I’ll graduate with Honors. That’s another thing. Everyone’s graduating around me. I’m not even due to graduate until the end of this school year, but now I feel like I was a fool to take my earlier years easier. I didn’t take many hours at all. I had lots of free time. I didn’t even join Marching Band my first year, for fear that my schedule would get too busy. Other people have worked really hard and deserve all the credit they get, but if I take too much, I fry. I just can’t compete. I now have no plans for my future. Google is one of those organizations that is doing stupid shit and I don’t feel like supporting them with my hard work.
I’m sorry to all readers if I sound all angsty and self-pitiful, but I have to write this to attempt to get it out of my system.
I missed my Tai-Chi class, which may have done me good. But on the other hand, it may not have. My section leader being the stellar bitch she is, shouted at me and two other piccolos for missing a our entry after several rests. She didn’t actually shout loud, but she did that whole stern face, “You guys that is NOT GOOD!” pseudo-authoritative stance. (She’s only about five-three.) So by the time I left band I was boiling angry. If God himself had appeared in front of me in all his spender, I would have slugged him because he got in my way.
